Tuesday, January 4, 2011

How to Lose a Girl in 3 Hours...

This little number probably qualifies as one of the worst dates I've ever been on. Although, I haven't been on too many bad ones since I am pretty exclusive when it comes to choosing who I go out with. You see, I try to avoid the terrible dates by judging the guys, and I typically refuse unless I think I'd really like the dude. Bitch, picky, whatever you want to call it. Makes my life easier.

This was a friend from home. He's a nice guy, tall, not bad looking. I figured I'd give it a go. He kind of seemed too...New England for my oh-so worldly taste, but he made me laugh and always gave me rather uncheesy compliments. Also, over the years I've been attempting to mold my taste in men since I've been insanely exclusive from a young age--to the point where I was concerned that I would never settle down because there was always something wrong. Lastly, and most importantly, how could I pass up a free dinner?

It was the second date of ours...the first one being mangled by my determination to illustrate that it was a strictly platonic setting, and immediately after that date I demanded to be dropped off at the bars, probably to pick up some ass. Feeling bad about the harsh rejection, I agreed to go on another one. Silly me. You know the saying...Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me? SHAME ON ME.

Red Flag #1. I suggested going to this great new restaurant in a nearby neighborhood. It was basically great food, cheap prices, awesome ambiance. He told me it was "too expensive." And by too expensive, you mean $15-20 for an entree? Uhhhh no thanks.

Instead, we went to this "nice" Jewish deli spot. Don't get me wrong, I'm only somewhat of a restaurant snob, but this place was good for lunch/brunch--not dinner with your lady friend. I think I got a sandwich?

Red Flag #2. He wanted to continue the night at a bar, and then another bar, and then another bar. Uhh why are you getting me drunk? There was no way he was sticking his p in my v, not even if I was roofied and comatose with legs spread. Pass.

We got drunk, he FINALLY dropped me off and I praised the heaven's above that the date was over. Great joke, right?

Red Flag #3. He basically demanded that I let him either stay over, or at least stay for a half hour or so, because he was "too drunk". I don't care if you drive across the country and die from a head-on collision with a tractor trailer. You're gross, I don't want to spend another second with you, and I hope you die. Honestly. I was being nice until that point--but who says that!??

We argued. I was pissed. I finally said he could watch TV and sober up a bit. We sat on different couches until he insisted that I sit next to him. I grimaced and grimaced hard, as if I was going to sit next to some serial rapist covered in human feces and vomit. Precisely 30 minutes passed and I shooed him out the door.

Red Flag #4. He went in for the kiss. I wanted to cry, scream, piss, moan, kill, throw up, shit, etc. I attempted all 6 actions to no avail and sat there with his gaping wound of a mouth over mine and his tongue halfway down my esophagus. I'm pretty sure he tasted my shitty Jewish dinner.

Then he left.

Haha. It's not over yet.

Red Flag #5. He texted me 15 minutes later thanking me for one of the best nights he's had in a long time. I don't think I responded, considering I felt the exact opposite.

Red Flag #6. The next day, he asked if I was home. I was, but I knew better than to admit to that, and said I had left for the day. I insisted that he could drop off whatever he was dropping off with my roommate, but he claimed he just needed to do it in person. I shuddered in disgust and told him it wasn't going to happen. He told me he had flowers for me. Flowers? What the fuck? Do you have some shrine of me equivalent to that of Helga Pataki's in Hey Arnold? Could you be any creepier? Gross? Disgusting? Revolting?

Lastly, when I explained that I was the furthest thing from interested, he was upset and said that I shouldn't lead him on. Uhh, did you not notice the gag reflexes occurring the entire night, or did you just think I had a bad case of the hiccups? Freak.