Thursday, December 30, 2010

The joys of online dating, part un.

When the internet was first introduced, one of the first things I did was to log on to chatrooms and create random personalities with which to talk to strangers all over the world. It's not that I don't have friends (I mean, I don't, but what I'm trying to say is that it's not always a reflection on your social standing. Sometimes the people with the most friends are actually the loneliest).

It's more about the curiosity and the exposure to different people and cultures. I genuinely enjoy meeting new people, whether that be in a bar, on the street, or trapped in a small, dark basement in Germany with incestuous sex slaves. What?...As a young teen, I obviously didn't have many opportunities to meet people in person. So I logged in.

And then we grew older. Online dating was invented and became popular amongst the older divorcees of the world. I specifically remember my mother's friend dating men online. My mother said they all looked (jokingly)like serial killers, and she asserted that they must have had strange personalities and characteristics, as well as small penises (everyone who sucks at life has a small penis in my mother's mind, even if they actually have an 8 incher). I mean, no one in their "right mind" would date someone online!

I laughed, my mom's friend got laid, and my mother got to make fun of her. We all got something out of the experience.

Then came college. It's funny, I was elated at the idea of moving into a new arena, where the men would be mature, kind, intelligent, and willing to actually date, monogamously. Could I have been more wrong? The guys at the first school I went to were tools. I'm sorry, but the tri-state area of NY/CT/NJ does not create winners. Yes, maybe some. I'm not trying to generalize here. But seriously, generalizations exist because of evidence. Anyone I liked ended up being weird, boring, or just an asshole. And the ones that liked me were even stranger still.

After freshman year, I dated an old friend from home for a while in order to escape the horrors of my school's SLIM, maybe even nonexistant, pickins. After breaking up, transferring schools, and exploring new cities and even slimmer pickins, I decided to try this little online dating razzledazzle. Several gay friends had had great luck on the sites, so I chose the free one and gave it a whirl. At least I would get some drinks and great stories out of it, right?

I created a bomb profile, got hammered with messages and "winks", and became basically horrified at the amount of attention I was getting. I mean, I know I'm really really ridiculously good looking and witty, but what do the other girls look and act like on this thing? They must be like Sloth from "The Goonies" if I reached max capacity in sexual harassment in only a few days.

Probably the best message ever received was from a 40 something year old "successful" "psychiatrist" who didn't want his patients to know he was on the site so he cropped out the upper half of his face in all of his pictures...riiiight. He ended up writing me some weird paragraph about his life and why he wants to date (bone) me, and he followed it up with a lovely poem discussing his "silk thunder sliding down my warm belly."

After I vomited in my mouth several times, I laughed, vomited some more, and told all my close friends. I told you I'd get some good stories out of it.